Wasted...

Im shaking right now while typing this.

Martin and I have been arguing in the phone because he said that I dont give him enough time and importance. He says that I always give him the last priority treatment in every thing that I do.

I have been busy the past week because of my training and I have been crawling for information for the products that Im giving support to the customers. After that very long week of training on my last day I was invited to go to Mitch's place for dinner which was planned days ahead.

The morning after had to go to our office doing some lab work to recap the training that I had for the week. That time we had some small chat thru MSN. I went to my manager's farewell party that afternoon. In short, I had my weekend spent with activities.

I have been avoiding to chat with Martin in the office because I know that my boss is just lurking behind my back and the fact that I'm easily distracted when I see chat messages popping up whenever I'm studying.

So tonight was the worst fight that we had...I think. We argued a lot that to the point that we said it quits. He phoned me in the middle of my officemate's party and he said that I was not making time for him. All I can do is sigh in disbelief. He doesn't know what I am preparing for him here and consider the sacrifices that I'm doing to get my boss' trust and have a stable job. All I want is give him security so that he doesn't have to worry about anything here.

I'm asking him to sacrifice some time because I need it. Badly. But Martin is so persistent that he wants me to give him time...He even brings up the time that I wasn't texting him when I had no job yet. I told him that every time that I go to the computer shop my pocket money is used I have to sacrifice meals just to talk to him. But Martin is still persistent that he is doing his own sacrifices equalling mine. I remember the week that I have to break away from my flatmates sharing budget because of buying phone cards to text him and paid for additional rent for internet use. I have to skip meals and just eat noodles just to stretch my budget. I want him to realise all this but still he comes to me strong that I don't give him time.

Sometimes I don't know if my BF has ADD because he's been seeking my attention so badly that he doesn't even seek my current condition. Now, I have work I have liberty to chat but I think moderation should still be observed and that chatting with your boss sitting beside you is a very big no no. But still Martin comes strong to tell me that I don't give a damn chatting with him even he knows that my boss is inches away from me with his laptop on his lap facing me. I don't know which part of it he doesn't understand or mind at all.

I know he will be reading this. And I dont know how will he react to this. I love him but I want him to understand my state right now. That I'm not having my vacation here and I'm not completely enjoying my stay here. I believe he will again rebutt some statements that I've said here. He'll be asking me why do I have to leave the country and stuff that I've answered him a hundred of times. Sometimes I hate his pride. But I have loved him that way. We have conflicting interests but I love him the way he loves me. He has given me attention but I said that I'm sorry that I can't give him sometime either because of other activities or financial constraints.

I don't know where our relationship is going right now to tell you guys frankly. I have solid plans in getting him but he's very persistent to make time for him everyday even I don't have the luxury of it.

I don't know...I'm confused but I know I love him still.